Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I put the I in Insufferable.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it