“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
☠️
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*