Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

you have three unread messages

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.