Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.