Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
one week till the election
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.