Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.