Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring