Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Sorry I made promises on Friday
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”