Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
You Might Also Like
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
New tinder profile pic
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”