Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I’m not sorry.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all