“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I’m not wrong
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Why is this me 😫
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell