Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

It do be feeling this way.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet