Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

wtf is a larm clock?

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*