Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.