Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
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God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Brands during Pride
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.