Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

Those are good neighbors.

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

?

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

😭🤣

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.