Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

This billboard speaks to me

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner