Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
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They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Lmao
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.