Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.