Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
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“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!