Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
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Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Wolves should really raise more people.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.