Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[at the general store]
me: one general please
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.