Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.