Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Church Pugh’s
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Spotted in New Orleans.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics