Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
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There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Good morning y’all ☀️
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”