Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
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Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.