Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.