Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
i wish we could shoplift online
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!