Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

ok hear me out: Luigiana

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”