Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
But wait…
