Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

But I really needed water water water

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.