your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
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I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!