your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
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Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]