your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
This one’s “Alex”.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign