your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
What the hell happened here.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.