Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Let’s Go
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.