Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
You Might Also Like
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Namaste
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
phew
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob