Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Home #decor warning.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian