Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
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If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.