Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
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Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
