Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%