Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
i feel so bad i refunded him
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
You might just have to resign…
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
