Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.

*puts away bowl and spoon

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VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me


I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.


The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend


Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.


I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.


[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up


His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”


Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.


Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.