@JKickinit30

Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.

*puts away bowl and spoon

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@Michael1979

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

@ValeeGrrl

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

@mrtruthandsoul

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

@nayele18

Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.

@TheWoodenslurpy

I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@myonlymizztake

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

@Toofpick78

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.