“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Good morning, Twitter x
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
you have three unread messages
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Are you ok, human???
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.