Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?