Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Jail
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird