Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
wish me luck lads
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”