Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

The point of your 20s

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.