Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.