Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.