Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Grew big
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
I basically called this earlier today
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us