Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Has science gone too far?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .