“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Hard not to take this personally
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’