“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
You better watch out
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings