Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON