Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Customer is always right
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I really had high hopes for this year though
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]