Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Gemma Correll
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer