Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
welp
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.