Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Rather alarming headline…

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside