Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.