Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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I’m dying louder than usual today.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
felt that
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.