Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice