Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.