Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
hello pervert is such a strong opener
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