Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?