Your secret is safeish with me
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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫