“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
#CoronaOutbreak
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat