“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.