“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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I come from a time of excessive Durans.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
I can’t wait!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s