Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
yes… yes…
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?