Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.