Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Godspeed, John Glenn
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
#MeanwhileinCanada
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.