Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

I only say stupid things when I talk.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*